Another customer enjoys his Flame Grilled Aberdeen Angus McArtery Clogger
I laughed loudly at this thought, and continued to do so for several minutes, long after I'd forgotten why I was laughing. Luckily, this being the queue at Burger King, nobody noticed. In fact, the only time you're ever likely to be noticed in Burger King is if you're behaving in a civilised manner. That, or if you're clothing looks vaguely stylish. Luckily, with jeans that looked they'd gone through a combine harvester and a shirt so stiff it was practically stabproof (an important asset in any Burger King chain), I looked the part. I surveyed my surroundings. An old hobo who looked like the type to dish out sage proverbs to passers by had ripped his arm off and proceeded to slap himself in the cheeks with it, while hordes of children screamed in terror into their goodybags. An old lady with eyes wider than the average Burger King waistline rocked back and forth rhythmically, while simultaneously proclaiming the end of the world and that cookies aren't quite as crunchy these days. Business as usual then.
Cookies: Just not the same anymore
With a growing sense of agitatedness (I'm not sure if this is a word, but it's mine now), I noticed that the line hadn't moved in a while. In fact, the line had incredibly gone backwards since I'd joined it. This seemed impossible. Surely it defies the laws of physics or gravity or something that a line of people that are so massive that they can create their own centralised black hole would move backwards in a queue for greasy burgers? I thought on my feet, and jumped on a 'sturdy' gentlemans back to see the root of this problem. An old dude. Who still hadn't decided what he wanted. Surely the whole point of having a menu the size of Noah's fucking Ark on a massive board above the checkout is so that you can use the time in between joining the line and being served by the art college rejects at the counter is so that you can utilise the powers of reading you were taught at the age of 4 and put them into real life practice? And so you don't, you know, hold up the whole damn queue old man. I shook my fist wildly into the air to show my disgust, and my flailing arm caught the sturdy man on the back of the head. With a low groan and a gentle rippling of his stomach, he comically falls to the ground in ultra slow motion. I jump off his back quickly to avoid getting crushed. Rocky music plays in the background as he slowly powers his way throught the sticky floor, creating an almighty crater. The fall created shockwaves which cause diners who were mere seconds ago chomping merrily on their chips to be lifted from their plastic seats and thrown mercilessly into walls and stairs.At this point, the fallen man slowly and methodically pulls out a tiny remote from his pocket with a single red button on it, which he presses. Immediately, MC Hammer blares out from the establishments sound system, and two tall men in black suits and aviator shades emerge from a door marked 'Private'. The reflection of light from the shades momentarily blinds me. When I stop blinking furiously, they've both grabbed an arm each and grip it with their vice-like claws (OK, so they don't have claws, but whatever).
"Would you come with me please sir" says one of the men.
"Doesn't look like you're giving me much of a choice here really" I said.
"You took out one of the regulars" says the other one, and indicates towards the fat man that fell over, who now has a segment of floor attached to his face using a natural glue of grease, ketchup, jizz and whatever else you find on the floors in here. "It looks like he's pretty regular anyway" I said, elbowing the guy playfully in the ribs. He didn't laugh. "I'm sure you'll find plenty of time for amusements in court" said one, and with that they both flipped me over so I landed face first into the pavement. "Wait, what was the bit about court?" I shouted after them, but they'd both already dissappeared.
Burger King Official Spokesman: "One wrong move and we'll see you motherfuckers in court".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"Don't worry buddy" Josh said to me, "I've got your back."
"I appreciate that man." I said.
"You doubt me, but I know the judicial system like the back of my hand. Hey wait, the fuck is that?" Josh said, pointing hurriedly to an ugly scar on his left hand.
"You've got AIDS on your hands" I said dismissively.
"You reckon?" he said, genuine terror etched onto his blank face. "I should go get it checked out." Josh then disappeared from the cafe. I turned to Jamie, who'd sat silently opposite from me the whole time, a strange smirk on his face.
"Help me Jamie" I said desperately.
"You'll be fine" he said, not looking up from his report.
"Are you serious? Not only will I be found guilty of well, whatever, but I'll also be charged with drunk driving and drug trafficking if you let Josh loose. You have to defend me." I said pleadingly. "I can't" said Jamie. In frustration, I snatched his report from him and quickly scanned it. "Well I never" I said, grinning inanely. "There's gonna be a scandal when Oxford hears about this Jamie. The posh boys will dip their dicks into your pints at every opportunity. Never again will you be given complementary quail's eggs at the unions. Everywhere you go, you'll be treated with disdain." I finished. "But you can avoid all that. Just come and defend me."
"Fine." said Jamie.
"Good lad. We'll make a pot smoking conservatist out of you yet" I said, throwing his report in the bin as I did so.
Jamie, a few years from now.
The barrister stood up. "Calling up the next witness to the stand, Doctor Jamie umm... Boner does that say?" he said, blushing as he did so. Sniggers emerged from the courtroom. Josh burst into a flurry of frenzied cheering, and held out the high five for me. I left him hanging. "Josh, did you change that to say Doctor Boner?" I said.
"He totally just said boner" Josh said, unable to control his delirious laughter. I took that to mean yes. "You complete moron" I said. "Jamie's an undergraduate doctor. The jury would've respected his decision. But not now they won't" I said in a resigned tone. Jamie took his place on the stand, suitably embarassed. "Take it away Jamie" said Josh, not moving from his seat.
"Aren't you gonna ask him some questions?" I said incredulously.
"Nah" said Josh.
"Ladies and gentlemen" began Jamie. "Mr. Danny Douplewhopper, as he renamed himself in later life, had many overlying health problems. Clogged arteries, diabetes, on the verge of a heart attack at any moment, you know the script. This could be triggered by basically anything, and unfortunately for Fraser here, he was unfortunate enough to trigger off the rare condition known as Consumitis. Basically, when a hugely overweight person suffers a heavy fall, it triggers a heart attack that causes the heart to pump so fast the fat literally consumes the body and causes the person to suffocate. Therefore I conclude that the cause of Mr. Doublewhopper's death was in fact his own fat, and not Fraser" concluded Jamie.
"HE FUCKING DIED?" I screamed in horror, standing up as I said so. The whole courtroom turned round to glare at me. "Damn shame" I said, shrinking back into my seat as I did so.
"That was damn good right Josh?" I said. When he didn't reply I turned to him. He was gone. As was Jamie. Suddenly the chair started to move forward. I turned. The judge had turned into some kind of giant black hole, and the whole courtroom started to slowly drift towards it. "Does this mean I'm guilty?" I said to no one in particular. One of the bailiffs, an old guy, was sucked into the black hole, his body pressurized until it exploded in a horrific mess across the courtroom. I took this as a cue to get the fuck out. Suddenly the courtroom started sliding furiously towards the black hole. Fighting it was like running on Satan's personal treadmill. As I reached for the door, it collapsed on top of me. Everything went black.
Is it even legal to copyright the colour black?
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"You ok buddy?" said Jamie, genuine concern in his voice. I looked around. I was lying on the floor, and my head felt like 2 heavyweight boxers were sparring inside it.
"Yeah I think so" I said confusedly.
"I was worried man" said Josh. "You've been out cold for 3 hours. Last I heard, you were screming something about someone dying."
"Really?" I said worriedly.
"It might have something to do with this" said Jamie, retreiving a half eaten burger from the table, green mould contained in the centre of it. "Thank God" I said, breathing a sigh of relief. "Everything's cool then".
"You won't believe what I saw on the news today though" said Josh, barely able to keep himself from laughing, "Some fat guy fell over in Burger King and he got some floor stuck to his face. Had to be surgically removed."
"That's hilarious" I said. "You know what, I fancy a double whopper." And with that, I headed out.
